I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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