seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
is that a dick in a sweater?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
