i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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