Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
