This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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