yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
