Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
