My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
did i walk over a car last night?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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