Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
im six kinds of drunk right now
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
