I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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