Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
