I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
