I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
