people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
