I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
