haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
i think my tv is drunk
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
