Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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