It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
