you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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