I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
