please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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