My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
