My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
