She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
