i would punch a child for taco bell
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
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