I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
