and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Randomize
