My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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