After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
