Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
