I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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