and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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