dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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