Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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