I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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