Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
