Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
