i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
