How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
