i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
