Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
