Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
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We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
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I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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