No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
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