Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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