Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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