there's paper in my vomit.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
