Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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