I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
