Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
