I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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