Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
