you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
no. you can't hotbox the world.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
