Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
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