I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
