Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Ketchup is God's man juice
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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