I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize