Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
