Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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