I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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