Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
